Breaking the Cycle of Conflict

The Three Hidden Roles We All Play That Are Keeping The World Stuck in Escalating Conflict

Sep 21, 2025

We’re living in chaotic times when tragedy turns quickly into theater.

Something horrific happens—an act of violence, a natural disaster, a cultural rupture—and within hours the storyline sets in: who is the victim, who is the villain, and who will swoop in to save the day.

At first, it feels like clarity. But over time, it becomes a trap.

Right now, it feels like every headline is designed to cast villains, victims, and saviors. But when we buy into these roles, we don’t just understand the story—we become trapped inside it.

When we try to force nuanced reality into these three roles—Victim, Perpetrator, and Savior—we don’t just tell a story. We get caught inside it and the drama intensifies.

I first heard about this framework—originally mapped out by Dr. Stephen Karpman in the 1960s as the Drama Triangle—a few years ago, and it resonated. It was originally used in therapy to understand toxic relational dynamics. But now I see it everywhere: in global politics, social media movements, relationships, and in myself.

Once we recognize how this triangle operates, we gain the power to step out of it. That shift changes everything.

The Three Roles We All Play

It’s easy to see these patterns in others, but the truth is: we all cycle through them. Sometimes in the span of a single argument. Sometimes over years. None of the roles are inherently evil. They’re just reactive patterns that form in the absence of awareness and agency.

Take a deep breath and read the following descriptions with an open mind. I’m sure you can see these roles in others—but can you see them in your personal life?

The Victim

The Victim feels powerless, trapped, or mistreated. The inner voice says:

“Why does this always happen to me?”
“I have no choice.”
“They’re doing this to me.”

This can be the person stuck in a dead-end job blaming their boss, someone replaying childhood wounds in every relationship, or whole groups claiming moral innocence while refusing to claim their power.

To be clear: people are harmed. Abuse, oppression, and injustice are real. But the danger comes when harm becomes identity—when our sense of self depends on staying disempowered.

Underneath victimhood is often a hidden strategy: to avoid responsibility by outsourcing agency.

In my own life, I’ve slipped into this role when I didn’t fit in with certain social groups, felt obligated to work in careers for financial security, or got outraged by the actions of greedy corporations or corrupt governments. My energy often went into complaining or blaming rather than taking responsibility and agency. I mistook my perceived powerlessness for truth.

The Perpetrator

The Perpetrator uses force, shame, or blame to control. The inner voice says:

“They deserve it.”
“I’m just telling the truth.”
“They made me do it.”
“The ends justify the means.”

This role often begins as a defense mechanism. The bully was once bullied. The authoritarian was once terrified. But instead of facing vulnerability, the Perpetrator exerts control through manipulation, dominance, criticism, or violence.

It’s the hardened shell we build to survive. But it isolates us from connection and from truth.

No one likes to think they are the “bad guy” especially when your early identity was to be “the good boy” but I was definitely a perpetrator at times toward my younger brother when we were kids. I sometimes took my anger out on him because I was too afraid to stand up for myself with others. Sorry, Justin. And my teenage daughter can see me as one when I’m “forcing” her to clean up her room. She shows me that my energy is definitely coming from a “negative polarity” energy. But when I’m calm and don’t put immediate time pressure on her, everything goes much more smoothly.

The Savior

The Savior rushes in to help, fix, or rescue—often unasked. The inner voice says:

“I have to fix this.”
“If I don’t help, who will?”
“They need me.”

At its core, this role is about control disguised as care. It feels noble. But the Savior often creates dependency, bypasses consent, and burns themselves out trying to “save” others instead of respecting their agency.

I’ve lived this one deeply and am only just starting to let it go. Since I can remember, I wanted to “save the world”—from corrupt systems and “ignorant people.” And I’ve always carried guilt for my blessed life, wanting to make up for it by “rescuing” others. But behind that impulse was a subtle superiority and a refusal to let people walk their own path.

With clients, I’ve been careful to hold boundaries. But with my family, I often believed I could help them reach their goals or escape pain if they would just listen to me. And while my intentions were good, it sometimes kept me from respecting their agency and trusting their process.

How the Cycle Spins

These roles feed each other. They rotate constantly:

A Victim becomes a Perpetrator: “I’ve suffered—now I’ll make them pay.”
A Savior becomes a Victim: “I gave everything, and no one appreciated me.”
A Perpetrator becomes a Savior: “I did harm, now I must redeem myself.”

On the world stage, we see this clearly. A nation oppressed in one generation becomes an oppressor in the next. A movement that begins with liberation hardens into dogma and suppression. A whistleblower becomes a moral crusader who silences dissent.

On the personal level, it’s subtler but just as toxic. These roles keep us locked in what I call negative polarity: the energy of fear, shame, blame, and control.

I’ve seen this in myself in a single conflict. I started as the Victim, feeling hurt. Moments later, I lashed out, becoming the Perpetrator. Then I tried to “fix” things by over-explaining and rescuing the relationship. I rotated through all three roles in one conversation.

Stepping Out of the Triangle

The good news? Once we see the triangle, we can step out.

Here’s what that shift looks like:

From Victim to Responsibility:
“This happened. And I still have agency.”
Acknowledge harm without making it your identity.
From Perpetrator to Accountability:
“I name the harm I’ve done. I take ownership without collapsing into shame.”
Repair without defensiveness or denial.
From Savior to Support:
“I walk beside you. But I will not override your will.”
Offer presence, not control.

This isn’t about bypassing pain. It’s about transforming how we relate to it.

Empowerment isn’t dominance. It’s the ability to respond, rather than react.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
— Viktor Frankl

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”
— Maya Angelou

Recently, I practiced this when a friend came to me in crisis. My instinct was to take over and find solutions. Instead, I asked questions and simply stayed with them. They found their own clarity. For once, support didn’t mean rescue.

Why This Matters Now

We are in a global moment where the Drama Triangle is playing out at scale. Victimhood is being elevated as virtue. Blame is mistaken for justice. Rescue narratives replace real healing.

But cycles of vengeance, saviorism, and reactivity cannot create peace. Only sovereignty can.

That means seeing our own patterns. Taking radical responsibility. Holding harm and humanity at once.

This is not easy work. It’s daily. It’s inner. But it’s how systems shift—because systems are made of people. And people who step out of the loop stop feeding the machine.

This Is the Work

This is the work of maturity.
Of peace.
Of freedom.

When we stop performing the triangle, we become something else entirely: whole.

When we step out of the triangle, we step into sovereignty—the power to respond with freedom instead of fear.

We got this!

P.S. If you’d like a complimentary 30 minute call to go deeper into what’s keeping you stuck in the drama triangle and how to move beyond it. Book a call with me here.